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I was holding mom's hand when we walked into the small brick building. I can't figure out why I'm not now, and I don't remember why ? oh, yes I do. She let go of my hand when it was time to hang up my coat. There's Memaw and Great Grandma standing by a doorway. Meem helps Great Grandma sit down. I see a water fountain, but mom pulls my arm, so instead of getting a drink, I stand in a line with mom and a lot of other people. They all look sort of familiar. All the ladies pinch my cheeks and tell me what a sweetie I am. I am made out of sugar. I'm really thirsty. I want to go to the drinking fountain, but mom is holding my shoulder really hard. I look around at all the people and all the flowers. That's what that smell is. Some people have watery eyes. I wonder if they have al-er-geez like dad when he smells flowers. "Mom?" I sound really loud cause it's so quiet. Mom looks and me and frowns and pushes her lips together really tight. "Be good. You're five. Act like it." Her voice sounds like hissing, like that snake we found in the wood pile. She squeezes my shoulder again and pulls me close to her. She takes a step toward Meem and Great Grandma with the rest of the line and I almost trip because I don't know she's going to do it. So that's where the line's going. A lady hugs me from behind. She picks me up and turns me around and kisses me on my cheek. I am an angel. She hugs me really close and I play with the grey curls on the back of her neck. She smells like Meem's clothes and Great Grandma's house. She turns around to talk to the man behind her and I can see mom and Meem and Great Grandma and a lot of people who are in a group in the front of the big room that our line leads into. I wonder what - "Oh, honey. Come here." Mom takes me back and puts me on the ground. We get to Memaw and Great Grandma after a year of time and cause I saw other people doing it, I hugged Meem. She hugged me back and picked me up. I am made of sugar. She's crying on my neck. It's yucky, but I like her and one time I was sick and I threw up on her and that's even yuckier and she didn't get mad at me, so I'm not mad or anything. Memaw puts me on Great Grandma's lap. Great Grandma has very heavy glasses that are hard for me to see her eyes through, but her face is wet when she kisses me. I feel funny. It feels like there is a secret I don't know. Mom never keeps secrets from me. I think I felt it when I walked into the building, but I thought I was just hungry. It feels like everyone is asleep in the house except me and it's dark and the TV just got turned off so there's no sound. But I hear sounds. Someone is laughing. It's weird laughing though; it doesn't sound real. Someone is trying to get out of being in trouble. It sounds like that. And someone else laughs the same way. I look around at people standing in groups apart from the line we're in, and I see that some people are laughing in that weird way, and some other people are looking at them with mean looks on their faces. But all the people have wet faces. They all look sad. I don't understand. There are flowers everywhere that smell ok, and everybody seems to know everybody else, except me, so why isn't everybody happy? Great Grandma is crying hard, and mom picks me up. We go into the big room with the people in front of us. There are chairs in the middle of the room, but there aren't many people sitting in them. Mom signs a book. I want to sign, and mom looks worried, but she hands me the pen. I draw my name and it's the best I ever did. This time, my name is a puppy with a long tail and floppy ears. The line is going past something. I can't tell what it is yet. We're almost there. A lady who was farther up in the line comes over to us and picks me up. She is talking to me like I'm my baby brother. But she smells good, and she is smiling. We are moving slow in the line, the lady and me, and I know mom is right there too. Another lady comes up to me and rubs my face with her fingers and tells me how precious I am. She tells me I am sweet. I am sugar. I am sugar a lot today. Sugar like mom puts in her coffee? The square things? Those melt when you put them in your Kool-Aid. And now I remember before when I was looking over here, the people came past this place here and then they cried. They got really sad and then they cried. And every time I try to look where mom is looking right now, she turns me so I can't, in a nice way, cause she's a nice lady. I think. If I'm a sugar thing, and sugar things melt when you put them in Kool-aid or coffee, and maybe in water, maybe they are afraid I will melt cause I'll cry. That's it. I know it. I'll melt. But I danced around in the rain yesterday, and I went swimming and I didn't melt. So I just take one peek - just one. I can do it. So I am smart and I sneak a peek, and the lady doesn't even know. Great Grandpa moved. Great Grandpa got moved from his bed in the doctor's to this new place and he's sleeping here. Well, that's ok. He has a softer pillow here. It looks like mom's robe at home. Maybe in a year of time he'll come visit me and throw me up like back when I was four. |
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